NOTE: Please follow us for this three-part series written by members of Gifford’s Psychiatry and Counseling team. Part one focused on Postpartum Psychosis and Mood Disorders. Parts two and three are personal reflections shared by two of our team members.
Part 2: Postpartum Blog, a Personal Reflection
Written by the Gifford Psychiatry and Counseling Team
Erica’s story:
As a mental health counselor, I believed I knew the signs of PPD. I was adamant that I understood myself enough to know the difference between sleep deprivation, being a new mother and depression.
In the beginning, I would find myself crying on the couch, with no obvious reason. “Hormones” I said. I would daydream of getting in my car and driving, never coming back. I knew my husband would take care of our son. “I’m just tired” I’d say. I found myself no longer looking forward to things that normally would excite me. Even the simple things such as a fall hike, walking our dog, or cooking a delicious meal. I wanted to go back to my old life. That life before having a baby who drained me of everything I ever knew.
I got up every day, I went through the motions and I told everyone I was fine. I lied on the forms my midwife gave me…you know, the ones I give out to everyone every day and ask them to be honest about how they are feeling. I was the best I could be! I had a new baby and life was supposed to be perfect. I had to make people believe I was fine. Except I wasn’t.
It took me a year of pushing off my support system, especially my husband, who encouraged me relentlessly to get help. I wanted to be everything to everyone, I wanted to be the version of the mother I had dreamed about. I could not imagine being vulnerable and admitting I was struggling.
The day I did, sitting in my new PCPs office for an annual visit, was the first day I felt true relief. I was understood, I was validated and realized how common depression and anxiety was after a new baby. Getting this help was so important for me, and it felt good. Over the course of the next few months I became hopeful, I enjoyed my favorite activities again and I realized that its ok to ask for help.
*Part three of this blog series will be available on Gifford’s website tomorrow.